Jokes—Volume 11

     A man finds his seat in the theater, but it’s too far from the stage, so he whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up.  Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”

    The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”

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    My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, “ Okay—you’re ugly, too.”     —Rodney Dangerfield

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     “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”  Groucho Marx.

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     A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.  He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”

    Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead  of him and he got stuck under the bridge. Cars were backed up for miles.

    Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop walked around to the truck  driver, put his hands on his hips and said,  “Got stuck, huh?”

    The truck driver, unable to contain his sarcasm, sreplied, “No officer—I was  delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”

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    Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming angry as he had six children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir.

    Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the Sultan took him aside and said, “Son, I am very proud of you.      Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

    His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.” 

    Not wanting to do anything halfway, he bought him American Airlines.

    Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

    His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat.”

    In the same manner, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

    Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I’ll get it for you.”

    His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, “Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit.”

    Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him The Microsoft Corporation.

Jokes—Volume 10

    A housekeeper was talking to her friend when she got back from her recent trip to Spokane, Washington.   

    Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane. 

    She answered, “I don’t know, I never got there.” 

    “You never got there... what do you mean?”

    She answers, “You know me, I have to stop at every rest area, and they all say ‘clean bathrooms.’ Well. . . it takes longer that you think!”

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’’I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.’’ —Woody Allen

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“Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.” —Samuel Goldwyn

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A young girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to Sunday school. As she ran, she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” 

Suddenly she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again, praying, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! . . . But even if I am, please don’t push me again.”

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    A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”

    “I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”

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    Tom and Sue had a young son named Sam. He did very well in school except in math. He just couldn’t get the hang of it. They tried everything... summer school, private tutors, counselors. Nothing worked. 

They finally decided to send Sam to a Catholic school that they had heard had an excellent math and science program. 

    The first day after going to his new school there was a noticeable difference in Sam. He came home, went immediately to his room and began studying his math. Each day was the same. At the end of the quarter, his parents were delighted when Sam came home with an “A” in math. They finally asked Sam what had been the motivation... “Was it the kids, the nuns, a better math book? What made you begin to study so well?”

    Sam looked at them an said, “It was none of those. The first day when I walked into the school, I knew I’d better work hard, because I saw that guy hanging from a plus sign, and I knew they were really serious about math.

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     A man goes to the doctor and says that he has a social problem. “No women seems to want to date me,” he tells the doctor. 

    The docor tells him that he has Ed Zachary disease. 

    “What is Ed Zachary disease?” questions the man. 

    “It is when your face looks Ed Zachary like my mother-in-law’s,” replies the doctor.

The Langdon List

Volume 9

Dogs and cats contrasted . . . 

Name Recognition

Dog: Yes; always comes running, tail wagging, like a big happy fool.

Cat:  Yes; will come if it thinks food or petting is forthcoming.

Sanitation

Dog: Leaves house.

Cat:  Stays in house, but covers up mess.

Verbal Commands

Dog: Understands and complies.

Cat:  Understands and ignores.

Can it Walk?

Dog: Yes, at a sprightly gait.

Cat:  Yes, but like Marlon Brando on four legs.

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    A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God. 

    The priest explains, “I draw a circle around myself and toss the money into the air.  Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself.  What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God.” 

    The minister says, “Yes, I use a similar method, except that whatever lands inside the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs.” 

    The rabbi then proclaims, “Brothers, we are in agreement! I use the same method, as well—except that when I toss the money into the air, I figure that whatever God wants, He can keep.”

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    Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very worried look on his face.  

    “Doctor,” he says, “You’ve got to help me.  Do you remember those voices in my head I always complain about?”

    “Yes,” the doctor replies.

    “Well they’ve suddenly gone away,” Murray says.

    “So what’s the problem?”

    “I think I’m going deaf.”

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    “In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.”   —Jan L. A. van de Snepscheut (remember that name)

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    Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the most tempting moment.—Benjamin Franklin

Jokes—Volume 7

Jokes About 666

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and stops shaking.

Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately. A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying.

“My heavens,” the attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”

“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man.

“Then what’s the matter?

Sobbing loudly he says, “I’m trying to give up drinking.”

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While waiting in the car for her husband to come out of the post office, a young mother was playing the “What does this animal say?” game with her three-year old daughter.

“What does the birdy say?”

“Tweet, tweet.”

“What does the lion say?”

“Roaarrr“

“And what does the snake say?”

Mimicking her Sunday School teacher, the girls replied in a sinister voice, “Go ahead, eat the apple! You’ll love it.”

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A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the Pearly Gates into Heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

“Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,” he said. “I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?”

“Ah, those! They’re all from the Seattle area. They’re too wet to burn.”

Jokes—Volume 2

    A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read the seventeenth chapter of the Gospel of Mark during the week.”  

    The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands of those who had read Mark 17. Almost every hand went up.  

The minister smiled and said, “The Gospel of Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on ‘The Sin of Lying.’”  

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   A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.  

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 p.m. They gathered at 2 p.m and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.  

   The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.  

   The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to painstakingly scrub away at the lipstick.  

   Problem solved. 

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   A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to shoot a forest fire. He was told that a small plane would be waiting to take him to the fire. 

   He arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, the Cessna was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!” 

    The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air. 

   “Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.” 

   “Why?” asked the nervous pilot. 

   “Because I’m going to take pictures!” retorted the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”                     

   After a long pause, the pilot replied. “You mean, you’re not the instructor?” 

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   A couple at the beach noticed something “fishy” going on. A man carrying a

briefcase was walking up to people and making a “transaction.” They noticed

that he only went to those who had boom boxes. Thinking that drug deals

may be going down, the man casually maneuvered closer to see if he could

pick up a hint of what was going on.

   After awhile, he came back to his wife and coyly explained, “It’s OK. It

seems that he’s a battery salesman. He sells “C” cells by the seashore.”

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    A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One

evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother

gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her

mother.

   The hunter picked up his rifle, and started to look for her. In a clearing

not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was

backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood

facing her.

   The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”

   “Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess.

Let him get himself out of it.”

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   A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana.

Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and

sent a short e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address,

<JennJohn@world.net>.

   Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up

going to <JeanJohn@world.net>. This belonged to a Jean Johnson in Duluth,

the wife of a deceased preacher who had been buried earlier that day. The

preacher’s wife took one look at the e-mail and fainted.

   It read, “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!”

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Here are some actual names that have been found in phone books here and abroad . . .

   • Ure A. Pigg (Portland, OR)                            • Dr. Safety First (Tulsa, OK)

    • Ima Hogg (Houston, TX)                               • Ima June Bugg (Chicago, IL)

    • Eura Fisch (Charlotte, NC)                            • Menna Pause (Indianapolis, IN)

    • Serious Misconduct (Welwyn, England)      • General Error (Pueblo, CO)

    • Pearl Harbor (Birmingham, AL)                    • Honor Roll (Birmingham, AL)

    • E. Pluribus Eubanks (San Francisco, CA)  • Ken U. Digit (Auburn Hills, MI)

    • Eileen Dover (San Fransisco, CA)

Jokes—Volume 8

The following is an actual radio transcript released by the Chief of Naval Operations 

       on 10 October 1995.

Station#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. 

Station#2:  Recommend you divert YOUR course. 

Station#1: This is the captain of a U. S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. 

Station#2:  No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. 

Station#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP

                           OF THE U. S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW! 

Station#2: This is the Puget Sound Lighthouse. It's your call.

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    A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts,  
    “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
    The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!” 

    

As unlikely as it may seem, the manager had a dictionary under the bar,so he checks it for “Panda,” and sure enough, it says: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES..” 

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    Two software engineers were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said, “Nice bike. How much?” 

    “It was free,” said the first engineer. 

    The other asked, “Wow, how did you get it for free?” 

    The one with the bike said,“Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up to me on this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted--so I took the bike.” 

    The other software engineer said, “Good move! Her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway!” 

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    An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach you to remember things by association. 

   Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him. 

   “Who was the instructor?” asked the neighbor. 

   “Oh, let’s see,” pondered the man. “Umm...what’s that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns...?” 

   “A rose?” offered the neighbor. 

   “Right,” said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the guy we took that memory class from?“

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     A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany.  I assumed that most Germans would speak English.  But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue—including the ticket inspector on the train.

     He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill.  I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.

    When he had gone, an American woman near me leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.

    "No," I confessed.

    "Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."

Jokes—Volume 6

Bad Doctor Notes

By the time he was admitted, his rapid heartbeat had stopped, and he was feeling better. 

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children. 

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative—except for the right foot. 

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Healthy appearing decrepit 89-year-old male. Mentally alert, but forgetful.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy. 

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.

She has had no shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

She is numb from the toes down.

She slipped on the ice and her legs went in separate directions in early December.

Baby was delivered, cord clamped & cut, and given to the pediatrician, who cried immediately. 

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch. 

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

The patient is crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day-care. 

The patient refused an autoposy.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. B----- to dispose of him.

The patient’s medical history was insignificant with only a 40-pound weight gain in the last three days.

The skin was moist and dry.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room. 

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. 

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.  

Jokes—Volume 5

   Fishing season hadn’t opened yet, and a fisherman who didn’t have a license was beginning to cast for trout.    A stranger approached and asked: “Any luck?”

   “Any luck? This is a wonderful spot. I took ten out of this stream yesterday,” he boasted.

   “So you’ve had quite a good time out here, eh? By the way, do you know who I am?” asks the stranger.

   “Nope.”

   “Well, I’m the new game warden.”

   “Oh,” gulped the fisherman.  “Well, do you know who I am?”

   “Nope.”

   “I’m the biggest liar in the state.”

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Top Ten signs that you’ve bought a cheap car . . .

10.  Your tinted windows are actually Hefty garbage bags.

 9.  The car reaches its optimum speed when going downhill.

 8.  The hi-tech stereo system often requires a change of needles.

 7.  The rear-view mirror says, “Objects in Mirror Are All Better Than This Piece of Junk.”

 6.  The odometer on the dashboard is manual. You must depress the button after each mile traveled.

 5.  News Nine  TV Traffic helicopter warns other drivers what highway you’re taking.

 4.  The sticker on the windshield says, “Batteries not included.”

 3.  You fill up the tank with Unleaded Coals.

 2.  You can go only to restaurants that offer Valet Pushing.

 1.  When you approach hitchhikers, they put their thumbs down.

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   An adult’s mother is a Travel Agent for Guilt Trips.

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   Somebody has well said that there are only two kinds of people in the world—those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good morning, Lord,” and those who wake up in the morning and say, “Good Lord, it's morning.”

Jokes—Volume 1

                Top 30 List of Famous Last Words

30. I'm almost certain that the bomb instructions said to connect the brown wire to the negative terminal. 

29. Just throw me that meat cleaver, would you? 

28. Pick up those 32 empty lager cans, you lout! 

27. No, Darling! I’m sure they drive on the left over here in France. 

26. Caesar: Happy Ides of March, Brutus. ((Followed shortly by Et tu, Brute?!)

25. Actually, there’s a knack to opening these supersonic airplane windows. 

24. Are you sure this firework’s a dud? 

23. I rather fancy this odd-shaped mushroom. 

22. You will take a check, won’t you, Cabbie? 

21. Come outside and say that, Tyson. 

20. Patchy fog? At this time of day! Don’t make me la... 

19. Fancy a quick snifter before we leave Saudi? 

18. Of coursh, I’m frit to dive. 

17. Ah, you’re a nice, sweet, cooch-woochy little lion, aren’t you? 

16. It says: Achtung! Minefield. I think that’s German for ‘Welcome to Munich.’ 

15. We’ll be safe on this highway if we just follow that travelling salesman’s Sierra. 

14. See a doctor? Just for a ruptured aorta and a couple of dozen black suppurating pustules?! 

13. Wow! You don’t usually see this many American planes over Hiroshima, do you? 

12. Whoops! Did I spill your scotch, McTavish? 

11. These nuclear plants look lovely when they begin to glow like that, don’t they? 

10. Gee! It’s not often a black cat causes you to break a mirror by crossing your path while you’re walking under a ladder on Friday 13th, is it? 

 9.  Humpty Dumpty may sound like the name of a plonker, but I know a safe wall when I see one. 

 8. The trick in dealing with a charging rhino is to stand perfectly still. 

 7. Two front berths on THE TITANIC, please. 

 6. It’s OK; the guy with the boils just lent me his hypodermic needle. 

 5.  Give this juggernaut driver the ‘V’ sign while we’re overtaking him, would you, Darling? 

 4. Well, here we are at Lakehurst on the world’s largest hydrogen-filled airship. This calls for a cigarette. 

 3. Cool! Wait until I tell the missus I crashed into a car with a MAF-1 number plate! 

 2. Pass me a Kleenex; I’m going to wipe the foam off that dog’s mouth. 

 1. So, this is Baghdad! 

Jokes—Volume 4

Worst Analogy Attempts in High-School Essays

   The little boat drifted gently across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

   McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup. (Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

   He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high school assemblies about the dangers of  looking at solar eclipses without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.  (Joseph Romm, Washington, D. C.)

   She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again. (Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

   From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30. (Roy Ashley, Washington)

   Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

   Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

   Bob was as totally perplexed as the computer hacker who wanted to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

   Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.  (Unknown)

   He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. (Jack Bross, Chevy Chase, MD)

   The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. (Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

   Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life were a movie, this guy would be buried in the credits as Second Tall Man. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

   Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington—obviously better at math than composition.)

   The politician's absence went unnoticed, like the period after the “Dr.” on a Dr Pepper can. (Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

    lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with gleaming picket fences that went on and on like Nancy Kerrigan's teeth (Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

   John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

   The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. (Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria) (reality imitates art)

   His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

   The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

Jokes—Volume 3

          Top Ten Signs Your Cat Has Learned

                      Your Internet Password

                                      by Dave Fore

10.  E-Mail flames from some guy named “Fluffy.”

 9.  Traces of kitty litter in your keyboard.

 8.  You find you’ve been subscribed to strange 

          newsgroups like alt.recreational.catnip.

 7.  Your web browser has a new bookmark 

          listing: <http://www.feline.com/>.

 6.  Your mouse has teeth marks in it—and a strange 

          aroma of tuna.

 5.  You receive an e-mail notice that someone has just bought your dog

     that was put up for bid on eBay.

 4.  Your new ergonomic keyboard has a strange territorial scent to it.

 3.  You keep finding new software around your house like Doom for Cats

        and WarCat II.

 2.  On the Internet, you’re known as the IronMouser.

 1. You find little kitty carpal-tunnel braces near the scratching post.