on 10 October 1995.
Station#1: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.
Station#2: Recommend you divert YOUR course.
Station#1: This is the captain of a U. S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
Station#2: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.
Station#1: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ENTERPRISE, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP
OF THE U. S. NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!
Station#2: This is the Puget Sound Lighthouse. It's your call.
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A panda walks into a restaurant, sits down and orders a sandwich. He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the manager shouts,
“Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”
“Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”
The panda yells back at the manager, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”
As unlikely as it may seem, the manager had a dictionary under the bar,so he checks it for “Panda,” and sure enough, it says: “A tree-dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. EATS SHOOTS AND LEAVES..”
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Two software engineers were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said, “Nice bike. How much?”
“It was free,” said the first engineer.
The other asked, “Wow, how did you get it for free?”
The one with the bike said,“Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up to me on this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted--so I took the bike.”
The other software engineer said, “Good move! Her clothes wouldn’t have fit you anyway!”
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An elderly couple were experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class, where they teach you to remember things by association.
Later, the man was talking to a neighbor about how much the class helped him.
“Who was the instructor?” asked the neighbor.
“Oh, let’s see,” pondered the man. “Umm...what’s that flower, you know, that smells real nice, but it has those thorns...?”
“A rose?” offered the neighbor.
“Right,” said the man. He turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the guy we took that memory class from?“
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A few years ago, I decided to visit my brother who was stationed in Germany. I assumed that most Germans would speak English. But I found that many people spoke only their native tongue—including the ticket inspector on the train.
He punched my ticket, then chatted cordially for a bit, making gestures like a windmill. I simply nodded from time to time to show him that I was interested.
When he had gone, an American woman near me leaned forward and asked if I spoke German.
"No," I confessed.
"Then that explains," she said, "why you didn't bat an eyelid when he told you that you were on the wrong train."
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