Volume 102

   A large, two-engined train was making it’s way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. “No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there.” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, (if you didn’t guess) the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere. 

    The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: 

    “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn’t take this trip in a plane!”

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    On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first offense.” 

    He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?” 

    A male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?” 

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    Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream. When his mother enters the kitchen, she says, “Put that away Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.” 

    Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” 

    Trying to placate him, she says, “I’ll play with you. What’s the game?” 

    He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.” 

    Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “OK, but just for a little while. What do I do?” 

    Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” 

    Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs. 

    Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat and goes up to the bedroom. 

    His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?” 

    In a gruff manner, he says, “Go downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

 Jokes—Volume 101

    A newlywed sailor was informed by the U. S. Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for two years. A few weeks after he got there, he began to miss his new wife quite badly, so he decided to write her a letter. 

    “My darling,” he wrote “it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you, and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind, I would not be so tempted?” 

    So his wife sent him a harmonica saying, “Here—learn to play this.” 

    When his tour of duty came to an end, he rushed home to embrace his wife. 

    But she held him off, saying, “First, let me hear you play that harmonica!”

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    The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle; the copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers, there are nervous giggles heard as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them, the engines start spooling up, and the airplane taxis onto the runway. 

    The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment, the airplane lifts off and is airborne! 

    Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the captain: “You know, one of these days, the passengers are going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna get killed!”

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    A man is sitting peacefully reading his newspaper when suddenly, his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him over the head with a cast iron frying pan.  The man screams, “What did you do that for?” 

    “Why do you have a slip of paper in your coat pocket that says Mary Lou?” she responds.

    Still in agony, he replies, “Oh—don’t  you remember? I went to the track, and that’s the name of the horse I bet on.”  

    His wife seemed satisfied and apologized. But three days later, she came up behind him again, and this time, she smacks him across the back of his head with an iron.  

    “Hey,” he yelled, “Now, why’d you go and do that?” 

    “Because your horse just called!”

Jokes—Volume 10

     A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had passed away recently.  

When her husband was on his death bed, he told her that he had three envelopes in his desk drawer that would “take care” of all of the arrangements. He died shortly thereafter, so the wife opened the drawer and found the three envelopes just like he said.  

    One the first envelope it said “for the casket.” There was $5,000.00 in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.  

    The second envelope said “for the expenses” and had $4,000.00 in it so she paid all the bills from the funeral.  

    The third envelope said “for the stone” and had $3,000.00 in it. She then held her hand out to her friends and said, “Isn’t it Beautiful!”  

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    A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”  

    “Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.  

    “No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”  

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    After spending three hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.  I brought my selection—a baseball bat—to the cash register.  

    “Cash or charge?” the clerk asked.  

    “Cash,” I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , “I’ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau.”  

    “Shall I gift-wrap the bat?” the clerk asked sweetly. “Or are you going back there?”  

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    Grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She tasted what was the worst cup of coffee in her life, but because it had been made with love, she pretended to like it. 

    Upon finishing her coffee, she noticed that there were three of those little green army men in the cup. 

    She said, “Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?” 

    Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!’”