A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had passed away recently.
When her husband was on his death bed, he told her that he had three envelopes in his desk drawer that would “take care” of all of the arrangements. He died shortly thereafter, so the wife opened the drawer and found the three envelopes just like he said.
One the first envelope it said “for the casket.” There was $5,000.00 in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.
The second envelope said “for the expenses” and had $4,000.00 in it so she paid all the bills from the funeral.
The third envelope said “for the stone” and had $3,000.00 in it. She then held her hand out to her friends and said, “Isn’t it Beautiful!”
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A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.
“No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”
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After spending three hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection—a baseball bat—to the cash register.
“Cash or charge?” the clerk asked.
“Cash,” I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , “I’ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau.”
“Shall I gift-wrap the bat?” the clerk asked sweetly. “Or are you going back there?”
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Grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She tasted what was the worst cup of coffee in her life, but because it had been made with love, she pretended to like it.
Upon finishing her coffee, she noticed that there were three of those little green army men in the cup.
She said, “Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?”
Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!’”
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