Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane.
She answered, “I don’t know, I never got there.”
“You never got there... what do you mean?”
She answers, “You know me, I have to stop at every rest area, and they all say ‘clean bathrooms.’ Well. . . it takes longer that you think!”
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’’I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.’’ —Woody Allen
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“Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.” —Samuel Goldwyn
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A young girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to Sunday school. As she ran, she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!”
Suddenly she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again, praying, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! . . . But even if I am, please don’t push me again.”
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A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”
“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”
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Tom and Sue had a young son named Sam. He did very well in school except in math. He just couldn’t get the hang of it. They tried everything... summer school, private tutors, counselors. Nothing worked.
They finally decided to send Sam to a Catholic school that they had heard had an excellent math and science program.
The first day after going to his new school there was a noticeable difference in Sam. He came home, went immediately to his room and began studying his math. Each day was the same. At the end of the quarter, his parents were delighted when Sam came home with an “A” in math. They finally asked Sam what had been the motivation... “Was it the kids, the nuns, a better math book? What made you begin to study so well?”
Sam looked at them an said, “It was none of those. The first day when I walked into the school, I knew I’d better work hard, because I saw that guy hanging from a plus sign, and I knew they were really serious about math.
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A man goes to the doctor and says that he has a social problem. “No women seems to want to date me,” he tells the doctor.
The docor tells him that he has Ed Zachary disease.
“What is Ed Zachary disease?” questions the man.
“It is when your face looks Ed Zachary like my mother-in-law’s,” replies the doctor.
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