A minister told his congregation, “Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read the seventeenth chapter of the Gospel of Mark during the week.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands of those who had read Mark 17. Almost every hand went up.
The minister smiled and said, “The Gospel of Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on ‘The Sin of Lying.’”
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A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom they would then press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.
Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered all the girls together that wore lipstick and told them he wanted to meet with them in the ladies room at 2 p.m. They gathered at 2 p.m and found the principal and the school custodian waiting for them.
The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness just how hard it was to clean.
The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long brush on a handle out of a box. He then dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, moved to the mirror and proceeded to painstakingly scrub away at the lipstick.
Problem solved.
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A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to shoot a forest fire. He was told that a small plane would be waiting to take him to the fire.
He arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, the Cessna was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, “Let’s go!”
The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.
“Fly over the north side of the fire,” said the photographer, “and make several low-level passes.”
“Why?” asked the nervous pilot.
“Because I’m going to take pictures!” retorted the photographer. “I’m a photographer, and photographers take pictures.”
After a long pause, the pilot replied. “You mean, you’re not the instructor?”
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A couple at the beach noticed something “fishy” going on. A man carrying a
briefcase was walking up to people and making a “transaction.” They noticed
that he only went to those who had boom boxes. Thinking that drug deals
may be going down, the man casually maneuvered closer to see if he could
pick up a hint of what was going on.
After awhile, he came back to his wife and coyly explained, “It’s OK. It
seems that he’s a battery salesman. He sells “C” cells by the seashore.”
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A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One
evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs. awoke to find her mother
gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her
mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, and started to look for her. In a clearing
not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was
backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood
facing her.
The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the hunter husband. “The lion got himself into this mess.
Let him get himself out of it.”
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A businessman from Wisconsin went on a business trip to Louisiana.
Upon arrival, he immediately plugged his laptop into the hotel room port and
sent a short e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer Johnson, at her address,
<JennJohn@world.net>.
Unfortunately, in his haste, he mistyped a letter and the e-mail ended up
going to <JeanJohn@world.net>. This belonged to a Jean Johnson in Duluth,
the wife of a deceased preacher who had been buried earlier that day. The
preacher’s wife took one look at the e-mail and fainted.
It read, “Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here!”
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Here are some actual names that have been found in phone books here and abroad . . .
• Ure A. Pigg (Portland, OR) • Dr. Safety First (Tulsa, OK)
• Ima Hogg (Houston, TX) • Ima June Bugg (Chicago, IL)
• Eura Fisch (Charlotte, NC) • Menna Pause (Indianapolis, IN)
• Serious Misconduct (Welwyn, England) • General Error (Pueblo, CO)
• Pearl Harbor (Birmingham, AL) • Honor Roll (Birmingham, AL)
• E. Pluribus Eubanks (San Francisco, CA) • Ken U. Digit (Auburn Hills, MI)
• Eileen Dover (San Fransisco, CA)
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