Volume 102

   A large, two-engined train was making it’s way across America. While crossing the Western mountains, one of the engines broke down. “No problem, we can make it to Denver and get a replacement engine there.” the engineer thought, and carried on at half power. Farther on down the line, (if you didn’t guess) the other engine broke down, and the train came to a standstill in the middle of nowhere. 

    The engineer needed to inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and always trying to look on the bright side of things, made the following announcement: 

    “Ladies and Gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for some time until the additional engines arrive. The good news is that you didn’t take this trip in a plane!”

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    On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 for the first offense.” 

    He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?” 

    A male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?” 

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    Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream. When his mother enters the kitchen, she says, “Put that away Johnny. You can’t have ice cream now. It’s too close to supper time. Go outside and play.” 

    Johnny whimpers and says, “There’s no one to play with.” 

    Trying to placate him, she says, “I’ll play with you. What’s the game?” 

    He says, “I wanna play Mommie and Daddy.” 

    Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, “OK, but just for a little while. What do I do?” 

    Johnny says, “You go up to the bedroom and lie down.” 

    Figuring that she can easily control the situation, she goes upstairs. 

    Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat and goes up to the bedroom. 

    His mother raises up and says, “What do I do now?” 

    In a gruff manner, he says, “Go downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!”

 Jokes—Volume 101

    A newlywed sailor was informed by the U. S. Navy that he was going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for two years. A few weeks after he got there, he began to miss his new wife quite badly, so he decided to write her a letter. 

    “My darling,” he wrote “it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time. Already I’m starting to miss you, and there’s really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we’re constantly surrounded by young attractive native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind, I would not be so tempted?” 

    So his wife sent him a harmonica saying, “Here—learn to play this.” 

    When his tour of duty came to an end, he rushed home to embrace his wife. 

    But she held him off, saying, “First, let me hear you play that harmonica!”

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    The passengers on a commercial airliner have been seated and are awaiting the cockpit crew to get them under way. A murmur is heard in the back of the plane, and a few passengers on the aisle glance back to see the pilot and copilot, both wearing large, dark sunglasses, making their way up to the cockpit. However, the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle; the copilot is using a seeing-eye guide dog. As they pass by the rows of passengers, there are nervous giggles heard as people are thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. But a few minutes after the cockpit door has closed behind them, the engines start spooling up, and the airplane taxis onto the runway. 

    The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness, whispering among themselves and shifting uneasily or gripping the armrests more tightly. As the airplane starts accelerating rapidly, people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, passengers become more and more hysterical. Finally, when the airplane has less only a few seconds of runway left, the shouts of horror fill the cabin as everyone screams at once, but at the very last moment, the airplane lifts off and is airborne! 

    Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and turns to the captain: “You know, one of these days, the passengers are going to scream too late, and we’re all gonna get killed!”

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    A man is sitting peacefully reading his newspaper when suddenly, his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him over the head with a cast iron frying pan.  The man screams, “What did you do that for?” 

    “Why do you have a slip of paper in your coat pocket that says Mary Lou?” she responds.

    Still in agony, he replies, “Oh—don’t  you remember? I went to the track, and that’s the name of the horse I bet on.”  

    His wife seemed satisfied and apologized. But three days later, she came up behind him again, and this time, she smacks him across the back of his head with an iron.  

    “Hey,” he yelled, “Now, why’d you go and do that?” 

    “Because your horse just called!”

Jokes—Volume 10

     A woman was talking to her friends about her husband who had passed away recently.  

When her husband was on his death bed, he told her that he had three envelopes in his desk drawer that would “take care” of all of the arrangements. He died shortly thereafter, so the wife opened the drawer and found the three envelopes just like he said.  

    One the first envelope it said “for the casket.” There was $5,000.00 in the envelope, so she bought him a very nice casket.  

    The second envelope said “for the expenses” and had $4,000.00 in it so she paid all the bills from the funeral.  

    The third envelope said “for the stone” and had $3,000.00 in it. She then held her hand out to her friends and said, “Isn’t it Beautiful!”  

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    A man speaks frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”  

    “Is this her first child?” the doctor queries.  

    “No, you idiot!” the man shouts. “This is her husband!”  

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    After spending three hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son.  I brought my selection—a baseball bat—to the cash register.  

    “Cash or charge?” the clerk asked.  

    “Cash,” I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness , I explained , “I’ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau.”  

    “Shall I gift-wrap the bat?” the clerk asked sweetly. “Or are you going back there?”  

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    Grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old grandson one morning. He had made her coffee. She tasted what was the worst cup of coffee in her life, but because it had been made with love, she pretended to like it. 

    Upon finishing her coffee, she noticed that there were three of those little green army men in the cup. 

    She said, “Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?” 

    Her grandson said, “Grandma, it says on TV, ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!’” 

Jokes—Volume 11

     A man finds his seat in the theater, but it’s too far from the stage, so he whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up.  Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”

    The usher moves him to the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks at the quarter and then leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”

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    My psychiatrist told me I was crazy, and I said I wanted a second opinion. He said, “ Okay—you’re ugly, too.”     —Rodney Dangerfield

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     “Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”  Groucho Marx.

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     A truck driver was driving along on the freeway.  He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”

    Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead  of him and he got stuck under the bridge. Cars were backed up for miles.

    Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop walked around to the truck  driver, put his hands on his hips and said,  “Got stuck, huh?”

    The truck driver, unable to contain his sarcasm, sreplied, “No officer—I was  delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”

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    Some years ago, the Sultan of Brunei was becoming angry as he had six children, all girls, and therefore had no son and heir. Imagine his joy when one of his wives finally presented him with his only son and heir.

    Just before his son’s sixth birthday, the Sultan took him aside and said, “Son, I am very proud of you.      Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

    His son replied, “Daddy, I would like to have my own airplane.” 

    Not wanting to do anything halfway, he bought him American Airlines.

    Just before his son’s seventh birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are my pride and joy. Anything you want, I shall get for you.”

    His son replied, “Daddy, I would like a boat.”

    In the same manner, his father bought him The Princess Cruise Lines.

    Just before his son’s ninth birthday, the Sultan took him to one side. “Son, you are an inspiration to us all. Anything you want, I’ll get it for you.”

    His son, who had really gotten into the Disney cartoons, replied, “Daddy, I would like a Mickey Mouse outfit.”

    Not wanting to do anything halfway, his father went and bought him The Microsoft Corporation.

Jokes—Volume 10

    A housekeeper was talking to her friend when she got back from her recent trip to Spokane, Washington.   

    Her friend asked her how she liked Spokane. 

    She answered, “I don’t know, I never got there.” 

    “You never got there... what do you mean?”

    She answers, “You know me, I have to stop at every rest area, and they all say ‘clean bathrooms.’ Well. . . it takes longer that you think!”

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’’I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.’’ —Woody Allen

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“Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.” —Samuel Goldwyn

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A young girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could to Sunday school. As she ran, she prayed, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!” 

Suddenly she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.

She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again, praying, “Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! . . . But even if I am, please don’t push me again.”

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    A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”

    “I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”

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    Tom and Sue had a young son named Sam. He did very well in school except in math. He just couldn’t get the hang of it. They tried everything... summer school, private tutors, counselors. Nothing worked. 

They finally decided to send Sam to a Catholic school that they had heard had an excellent math and science program. 

    The first day after going to his new school there was a noticeable difference in Sam. He came home, went immediately to his room and began studying his math. Each day was the same. At the end of the quarter, his parents were delighted when Sam came home with an “A” in math. They finally asked Sam what had been the motivation... “Was it the kids, the nuns, a better math book? What made you begin to study so well?”

    Sam looked at them an said, “It was none of those. The first day when I walked into the school, I knew I’d better work hard, because I saw that guy hanging from a plus sign, and I knew they were really serious about math.

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     A man goes to the doctor and says that he has a social problem. “No women seems to want to date me,” he tells the doctor. 

    The docor tells him that he has Ed Zachary disease. 

    “What is Ed Zachary disease?” questions the man. 

    “It is when your face looks Ed Zachary like my mother-in-law’s,” replies the doctor.

The Langdon List

Volume 9

Dogs and cats contrasted . . . 

Name Recognition

Dog: Yes; always comes running, tail wagging, like a big happy fool.

Cat:  Yes; will come if it thinks food or petting is forthcoming.

Sanitation

Dog: Leaves house.

Cat:  Stays in house, but covers up mess.

Verbal Commands

Dog: Understands and complies.

Cat:  Understands and ignores.

Can it Walk?

Dog: Yes, at a sprightly gait.

Cat:  Yes, but like Marlon Brando on four legs.

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    A priest, minister and rabbi were playing their usual Wednesday round of golf, and started discussing their weekly collections. Specifically, they started to compare how they decided what portion of the collection to keep for themselves and what portion to give to God. 

    The priest explains, “I draw a circle around myself and toss the money into the air.  Whatever lands in the circle I keep for myself.  What ever lands outside the circle, I give to God.” 

    The minister says, “Yes, I use a similar method, except that whatever lands inside the circle I give to God, and whatever lands outside the circle I keep for my personal needs.” 

    The rabbi then proclaims, “Brothers, we are in agreement! I use the same method, as well—except that when I toss the money into the air, I figure that whatever God wants, He can keep.”

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    Old man Murray goes to the doctor with a very worried look on his face.  

    “Doctor,” he says, “You’ve got to help me.  Do you remember those voices in my head I always complain about?”

    “Yes,” the doctor replies.

    “Well they’ve suddenly gone away,” Murray says.

    “So what’s the problem?”

    “I think I’m going deaf.”

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    “In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.”   —Jan L. A. van de Snepscheut (remember that name)

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    Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the most tempting moment.—Benjamin Franklin

Jokes—Volume 7

Jokes About 666

A man is sitting in the coach section of a flight from New York to Chicago biting his finger nails and sweating profusely. Noticing his disturbed expression, a flight attendant walks over and says, “Sir, can I get you something from the bar to calm you down?”

The man gives a nod of approval while shaking terribly. Seconds later she comes back with a drink. He downs it quickly and stops shaking.

Ten minutes later, the flight attendant sees the same man shaking and biting his nails. She brings him another drink which he swallows immediately. A half hour later she returns to see that the man is shaking uncontrollably, and apparently crying.

“My heavens,” the attendant says, “I’ve never seen someone so afraid to fly.”

“I’m not afraid of flying,” says the man.

“Then what’s the matter?

Sobbing loudly he says, “I’m trying to give up drinking.”

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While waiting in the car for her husband to come out of the post office, a young mother was playing the “What does this animal say?” game with her three-year old daughter.

“What does the birdy say?”

“Tweet, tweet.”

“What does the lion say?”

“Roaarrr“

“And what does the snake say?”

Mimicking her Sunday School teacher, the girls replied in a sinister voice, “Go ahead, eat the apple! You’ll love it.”

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A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line for judgment. As he stood there, he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right through the Pearly Gates into Heaven. Others, though, were led over to Satan, who threw them into the burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.

After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the best of him. So he strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.

“Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,” he said. “I’m waiting in line for judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering, why are you tossing those people aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?”

“Ah, those! They’re all from the Seattle area. They’re too wet to burn.”